But the Fourth Time

The first time: I was scared.

My first silent retreat was an accident. Don’t misunderstand; I knew I was going on a retreat. Afterall, I’d done the Google search, registered, and driven an hour to get there. But somehow, in all of that, I missed one important detail: The retreat was silent! Discovering this overlooked fact at dinner the first night was surprising, but I wasn’t alarmed. I often felt my quiet prayer time ended too quickly, and I’d begun to crave the pockets of silence I carved out in my day. But the next morning a new emotion filled me: I was scared. No, I wasn't scared of the silence or of my thoughts. I was scared I would somehow do it wrong. Scared I would miss whatever big thing I was supposed to experience. Scared the retreat would end and I would look back, only to realize I’d wasted the precious time I’d been given.

Of course, that’s not what happened. 

Jesus met me where I was–right in the middle of my fear. That retreat led to a life-changing encounter with Jesus as He broke through my perfectionism and striving for approval, allowing me to experience His love and presence in a way I’d not known was possible.

 

The second time: I was anxious and hurting.

My second silent retreat was not an accident. Although delayed by a pandemic and life, I finally registered for another silent retreat. But as it approached, anxiety tempered my excitement. I silently questioned how anything could live up to my first encounter with Jesus, and I wondered if this retreat would be a disappointment. Then, on the morning of the retreat, a tense family situation heightened, and angry voices became the background for my packing. My heart was torn in half. I wanted to stay home and fix a problem I could not solve. But I also wanted desperately to escape. I drove to the retreat house in tears, certain the weekend would be a waste, for my heart was too hurt, and my mind was too distracted.

Of course, the retreat was not a disappointment. 

Jesus met me where I was, offering the consolation, healing, and rest my aching heart needed. He helped me see His presence in the details–including what I considered to be the retreat’s poor timing. And in a profound way, I came to better understand the very personal nature of God’s love. 

 

The third time: I had doubts.

One year later I discovered an old-plantation-home-turned-Christian-retreat-house just a few hours from my home. It wasn’t Catholic, but that didn’t bother me, and several weeks later excitement ran through me as I packed my bag.  Not even the car issues that delayed my departure could dampen my spirits as I drove there. But as my first full day on the retreat ended, I began questioning whether anything significant would happen during my time there. None of the topics I thought Jesus might want to address were coming up, and for no reason at all I began questioning my decision to attend a non-Catholic retreat. Led astray by my pride and self-made plans, I danced with doubt.  

Of course, I had no reason to doubt.

With Jesus’ gentle conviction, I recognized my pride, and He met me in my humility. For the duration of the retreat God spoke to me through His Creation in a way I’ve never before experienced. He opened my eyes to see the harmony and beauty of His design as He invited me to truly rest in the world He created.

 

But the fourth time: I was confident.

One month ago I attended another silent retreat. I spent weeks searching for a new (to me) retreat facility that could accommodate my schedule and driving radius but finally settled on my local archdiocese retreat house, the same place I’d been once before. The location was not the only familiar detail, though. I had signed up for an Ignatian retreat, one based on the Spiritual Exercises, just as my first retreat had been. What was different, however, was my heart. I was not scared of doing it wrong. I was not anxious that I’d be disappointed. I didn’t question whether something significant would happen while I was there. Instead, I was filled with confidence–joyful and grateful confidence that Jesus would indeed meet me on this retreat. For it may have taken three retreats for me to learn it, but by my fourth retreat I knew it: Regardless of how I show up, if I just show up… He will meet me there. 

And of course, He did.

Because not once have I turned to Jesus when He wasn’t first looking at me. Not once have I gone to Him when He wasn’t already waiting for me. And not once have I attended a retreat to which He hadn’t first invited me.

Man may forget his Creator or hide far from his face; he may run after idols or accuse the deity of having abandoned him; yet the living and true God tirelessly calls each person to that mysterious encounter known as prayer. In prayer, the faithful God's initiative of love always comes first; our own first step is always a response...

CCC 2567

Pause for a minute. When was the last time you stepped away from the world, intentionally making time to be with the One who loves you most? Could it be that this very post is a sign that He's waiting for you...

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